The Thorn In My Heart
by redsky100
Summary: Leafpool reflects on events past. Oneshot


**DISCLAIMER:** No. I don't own the WarriorCats Series. If I did, I would have had Darkstripe shoved off a cliff seasons ago! ;p

Summary: Leafpool muses about events that didn't go as expected.

**Okay some of the first part takes place in Twilight right in the Gathering after RiverClan's sickness from the Twoleg stuff. Warning: Mild warping of reality and somewhat major spoilers?**

The Thorn in my Heart

"I have to talk to you!" he whispered, jerking his head in the direction of the bushes.

Cinderpelt was staring up at the Clan leaders. Cautiously Leafpool slid backward until the shadows engulfed her, too. An overhanging branch screened them from the cats in the clearing as they pushed their way through the encircling bushes. Together they retreated a few paw steps toward the shore of the island until they could put a jutting rock between themselves and the Gathering place.

"What happened to you?" Crowfeather's eyes looked hurt. "Why didn't you meet me that night?"

Leafpool swallowed nervously. "Don't be angry with me," she pleaded. "I _couldn't_ come. I had to help Mothwing."

Crowfeather lashed his tail. "It's no good, stealing moments together like this," he murmured. "I never get to see you."

'_This is it, you have to do this now before something bad happens, something you can't take back_,_'_ whispered a little voice in Leafpool's head. Leafpool cleared her throat feeling like burrs had lodged themselves there. "Crowfeather, I'm a medicine cat … this is wrong."

"I know you feel the same about me Leafpool," whispered Crowfeather as he took a step closer. "How can this be wrong?"

Leafpool drew away. "Stop trying to see things that aren't there Crowfeather! I don't love you!"

Crowfeather lurched backwards as if Leafpool had taken a swipe at him. He shook his dark gray head as in disbelief. "But all those times when I was as prickly as a hedgehog, you were so kind to me …" _'__Just like Feathertail,' _Leafpool realized with dread. It was then Leafpool found her resolve to do what needed to be done, "Leafpool, please I love you!"

Leafpool gritted her teeth. "Keep your voice down," she hissed. "You don't love me Crowfeather you don't even know me; you love the idea of me." Leafpool forced him to look at her with her tail. "When we were on the Great Journey and I saw in how you hurt for Feathertail, all I wanted to do was ease pain as all medicine cats are called to do. But I'm not Feathertail nor will I ever _be_ Feathertail."

The light brown tabby got to her paws as she realized that the sounds of arguments from the clearing had died away; they could just hear Blackstar drawing the meeting to a close. "It's time to go," Leafpool muttered. "You have to let me go Crowfeather for the sake of both our Clans. Find a cat in WindClan to give you what I could not."

When no reply came Leafpool turned towards the WindClan cat and felt a tiny pit of unease well up in her chest. He seemed smaller, too small even for WindClan standards. His head bowed as he crouched; his tail curled around him as if he were cold. "Crowfeather –"

"Leave me alone!" he hissed his eyes flashing blue fire. "I hate you!" He whipped around and skirted the bushes until he reached his Clanmates as they made for the tree bridge.

"Oh StarClan, let this be the right thing," whispered Leafpool as she crept through the branches into the clearing.

Seasons Later…

Looking back I've always wondered if giving into Crowfeather would have saved me from the dull ache in my heart. Sure I knew I didn't love him and he didn't love me, but maybe, just maybe having each other would have chased away this loneliness that was ironically forever her companion?

Nothing solidified it even more when moons ago at a half moon meeting at the Moonpool, I had learnt from Barkface, the WindClan medicine cat that a few queens had given birth to kits. It was no surprise to the rest of us of course; Clans had kits, nothing new there. It was accepted as a good omen.

But I had only stared in shock when the tom went on to inform us that the kit's parents were Nightcloud and Crowfeather oblivious of the pain I felt in his eager happiness to share the _'good news'_. But I sighed ruefully, this was to be expected; Crowfeather had moved on from his supposed love for me as I had asked but it still hurt.

Now, I sit alone in my den, day after day as Cinderpelt is now long gone; her life was stolen in a badger attack, I was collection herbs at the time and heard rumblings near the camp. An attack from ShadowClan or WindClan I thought but it was a badger attack. By the time I had gotten back to the camp Sorreltail had begun kitting and it was too late for Cinderpelt. As for Crowfeather and I, we still see each other at Gatherings. But needless to say we don't speak together; his mate Nightcloud for some reason tries to challenge me at every turn though I don't know why. Couldn't she see that she had won? She had it all; a mate, a kit and a Clan that loved her.

The prophecy of blood spilling blood had past. I watch as my Clan mates happy with their mates and kits be they warriors or apprentices; even Squirrelflight had found love with Brambleclaw as I knew they always would. Though it took them a few moons, hurtful words and wounds but they still found each other.

I don't begrudge their happiness but I can't help but wonder what is there for me? Caring for my Clan mates has always been an honor to me but there was always a dull aching in my chest when I would see Cloudtail and Brightheart quietly sharing tongues by the warriors' den or when Sorreltail and Brackenfur watched with pride in their eyes as their kits chase each other in the clearing.

I tried to banish the pain by seeing the good in my choice, I was apart from Clan rivalry, StarClan would share things with me that normal cats couldn't even begin to understand and I knew that Crowfeather and I could never be as we were from different Clans; that in itself could cause enough problems. But even now as I padded to my den I saw Dustpelt staring with affection in his amber gaze at Ferncloud as she approached, the pain would come back twice as hard.

As the glittering specks of silver pelt came into view I thought about all the cats that had put duty to their Clan before all; Bluestar, Spottedleaf even Yellowfang, who chose to give up her remaining kit murderous as he grew to be, so that she could remain a medicine cat. What did they gain from it I asked myself bitterly; nothing, nothing but a place in StarClan. But I supposed it was better than the alternative; forever wondering aimlessly through the Dark Forest.

I had refused Crowfeather, lost Cinderpelt and had lost my sister, Squirrelflight and best friend Sorreltail to a world I could never know. All that had remained was my duty to the Clan and a thorn in my heart.

Redsky100: Please review!

I thought this up after re-reading the series and wanted to put it out there.

But I'm also wondering if I should have a spin-off story of this our just leave it as is? You something like a cause/effect thing? Anyways let me know what you guys think!


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